"T & A D.A." By Joe Average

Members,


This is a story written by guest writer Joe Average. Average is a
talented and original author of comedic-erotic literature and I have
long admired his work. I have been trying for the longest time to get
Joe to apply his unique literary sensibilities to a Hilda Humper
story. He finally concurred and here are the results. This is Miss
Humper and her megaton titties seen through the eyes of an author who
is an unashamed afficionado of busty beauties with bimbo tendencies.
See Hilda Humper as you've never seen her before. Also, if you want
to check out additional stories brilliantly crafted by Joe Average,
go to http://www.thevalkyrie.com/ladybumps/stories/average/index.htm
His latest offering is entitled Double Wide Park. Now enjoy his
first, and hopefully not last, contribution to our wonderful group.

Your founder,
Victor C. Nathan


That Tantalizing, Tarty, Top-Heavy Hilda Humper stars in:
"T & A D.A."
By Joe Average

District Attorney Hilda Humper shook her long blonde hair around her
shoulders. Despite the attempted modesty of the plain white blouse
she wore, that shaking action set her J-cup tits into marvelous
motion. Hilda was just checking out her appearance before a routine
meeting with police investigators, but the sight of her tremendous
tits dancing and singing got her pussy juices churning. She quickly
unbuttoned her blouse and started stroking her monumental mams
through their strong green brassiere. Her other hand found its way
under her short skirt which proudly showed off her sleek legs and
jutting ass. Hilda pulled her sheer panties to one side and slid
three fingers, knuckle-deep into her love cavern.

"Hilda!" called Detective Lou Horner. "I'm here for our appointment."

Hilda glanced at the front of Lou's pants and smiled.

"I'm not going to stop on account of you, babykins," purred Hilda,
grabbing her nipple for emphasis.

Horner rolled his eyes, but smiled. Delivering reports to the
oversexed and overendowed district attorney was one of his favorite
parts of his job. Next to delivering a load of spunk between her
melons, that is.

"So what are we lookin' at, Lou?" asked Hilda, not slowing down her
boob-pinching or her exploration of what lay down below.

"I'm looking at a helluva fuck," chuckled Horner. "You ready for some
real meat in there after we're done?"

"Ready?" smiled Counselor Humper. "I'm going to insist on it. Big
Mama wants that wee wee to poke its head in her kitty-cat..."

"Shit, Hilda. I wish you'd can the baby talk," sighed Lou. "Say you
want my cock in yer pussy! Talk plain."

"Sorry, Big Man," said Hilda. "Tell me about the case."

Lou opened his notebook.

"Hilda, we're lookin' at a burglary and attempted sexual assault. At
least that's what we're callin' it."

"What happened?" asked Hilda between semi-orgasmic breaths.

"The perp broke into a house, stole all their valuables, and then
spotted the lady of the house asleep," said Lou, reading off his
notes. "He liked what he saw, so he jerked off on 'er. But, see, she
doesn't wake up! So our guy gathers his loot and goes on his way."

"But leaves a DNA calling card on the object of his lust!" said
Hilda, wiping her fingers off on the abundant fabric of her lime-
green bra.

"You got it!" said Detective Horner, closing his notebook. "The lab
boys are analyzing the spunk right now. We got a guy who we can put
in the area at the time of the crime, and who has a history of these
kind of burglaries. But since our gal stayed asleep, she can't
identify him in a line-up or nothin'."

"Tell me, Lou," said Hilda as she wiggled her breast meat from side
to side to settle it in her bra for prime cleavage display. "What did
this girl look like? Any distinguishing characteristics?"

"Fuck, yes!" laughed Lou. "Black girl, big round butt, relatively
skinny waist...and great big round heavy tits."

"Yeah?" said Hilda, licking her lips.

"Yeah," said Lou. "The whole time I was interviewing her, I was
lookin' down her shirt. I can't tell ya nothin' about her face!"

"Good to hear," said Hilda. "And it gives me an idea. But
first...Lou, you've only got one decent suit and you're about to ruin
it. Let me take off those pants for you."

"Glad to!" laughed Lou.

"Hilda, I thought you'd never ask," he said as both helped pull down
his pants. "Usually by now, this 'wee wee' of mine is halfway down
your throat! What's a matter, Humper--you gettin' it more often?"

Hilda laughed warmly as she moistened her full lips.

"Yes, I have a full docket, my dear. I'm gonna open wide!"

"Whoa, yeah," sighed the police detective. "Oh, your lips work
wonders, Hilda. Ready to drink deep?"

"Mmmph," said Hilda, her mouth full of Lou's hard cock.

She took her heavy boobs in her hands as she pushed and pressed them
against his legs to turn him on even more.

"God, that feels good," said Lou. "Your lips and your tits...damn!
That black girl had 'em, too. Well, her tits weren't as big as
yours...but shit, I wanted to see 'em naked. And feel 'em naked, too."

Hilda responded by caressing Lou's legs and thighs with her tits even
more.

"And lips! Jeez, those were big lips. I couldn't help picturing 'em
wrapped around my johnson like yours are, baby. Tonya, her name was.
Might want to look her up after we catch the bastard who robbed her
and spewed on her."

Hilda lovingly licked Lou's overfilled nuts with her velvety tongue.

"Ooooh, that's gonna send me over the edge, babe. Open up, Hilda
Humper, you big titted tart--Lou's got some savory sauce for ya!"

Lou gently jerked his cock as Hilda obediently opened wide.

"Shit, Hilda. You got a big mouth. Betcha that could hold a whole jar
of cum. Ready?"

Hilda nodded and held up her big tits to collect any spillage. Lou
sprayed his spunk into every corner of her mouth, covering her
enticing tongue, teeth, and lips. Then she stood up, her heavy boobs
heaving up and down. She walked with little mincing steps that nearly
bounced her tits into her chin. Lou grinned as he watched. Hilda
reached for one of the on-the-rocks glasses she kept in her office
next to the decanter of Scotch. Smiling at Lou, she lifted it to her
lips and opened her mouth. All of Lou's thick, sticky cum dribbled in
and filled the glass about three fingers full! Hilda smiled at her
detective friend.

"Now look what you made me do!" she whined in mock indignation.

"Damn, Hilda," said Lou. "That would fill a beaker in the lab."

"It would, wouldn't it?" said Hilda, suddenly doing her blouse back
up. "Lou, I gotta go. What's your suspect's name?"

"They call him Buddy. Why?" said Lou, holding his half-hard cock
anxiously.

"And where does he hang out?" she demanded, shoveling her boobs back
into their green boulder-holder so that they didn't hang out.

"Augie's Lounge, on 66th. Hilda, what's going on?" said the veteran
cop.

"Can't talk now," said Hilda, bouncing absurdly on her three inch
heels and grabbing the case folder. "See you in court, Detective!"

She slammed her office door behind her.

"Well, hell," said Lou, packing his package back into his
pants. "Didn't even get her to put it between her tits!"

Hilda sipped her drink and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror
behind the bar. She smiled. Putting her long blonde tresses up under
a wig made of tight red curls seemed to work. And the big round
spectacles with plain plate glass in them would further distract
anyone who might know her. Hilda was pretty sure no one she knew hung
out at Augie's Lounge on 66th, anyway. What's more, even if they did,
they wouldn't be looking at her hair or her face. Most eyes would
travel right to her tight, overfilled hot pink sleeveless t-shirt
that clung to her big boobs like a second skin. She'd chosen one with
the word "BETTER" emblazoned across it--figuring the "BIGGER" was
implied. She was proud of the way her pneumatic tits distorted the
lettering...although she was pretty sure none of the men staring her
right in the tits were exactly straining to read! The more they
stared, the more Hilda's nipples lengthened and hardened, making her
shirt even more of a spectacle. Hilda added tight gym shorts and
three inch white high heels. And while she was enjoying all the male
attention, she was looking for one male in particular.

"Excuse me?" she said to the bartender. "You might be able to help
me. A girl with tits as big as mine has trouble finding a guy who
knows how to take care of them. Any tit-men in this bar?"

The bartender smiled warmly.

"Where does the line form, lady?" he chuckled. "Save me a place at
the head."

Hilda giggled deliberately, making her basketball-like boobies bounce
like they were being dribbled up court.

"No, silly," said Hilda. "I have a busty friend who told me she met a
man in here who really knows how to make tits tingle. His name was
Buddy."

"Buddy Benson?" said the bartender. "I know 'im. He's over there, on
the stool by the ladies' room. He likes to watch the girls come 'n'
go."

"Thanks," said Hilda, reaching into her cavernous cleavage for a bill
to offer as a tip.

"You can keep it, lady," said the bartender, pointing at the
fiver. "Just as long as you pull that t-shirt forward and bend over
when you put it back."

"Will do, baby!" giggled Hilda, giving him a nice view of her lovely
slopes and valleys. "Just give me another drink and I'll go see what
Buddy's having!"

She walked away with mincing steps that had every male eye in the
place watching her tits and ass.

"Hi," said Hilda to the rugged, unshaven man on the bar stool.

"Hi, yourself," he said, without looking.

"My name's Soozy," said Hilda with a girlish giggle. "And I'd like to
buy you a drink."

"Yeah?" said Buddy, turning for the first time.

He found himself face to face with the sexiest display of big, round,
heavy, cock-hardening tits he'd ever seen in his life. Buddy grinned.

"Soozy, like, rhymes with floozy?" he asked.

Hilda leaned into him, her cleavage heaving with every breath.

"If that helps you remember," she whispered.

"Baby, there's no way I'd ever forget," he whispered back. "I'm
Buddy. I'm having beer. I'd love to have you buy me one."

"Okay!" said Hilda, motioning to the bartender.

"But not as much as I'd like to drink deep from both of those big
beautiful tits," growled Buddy, staring into the depths between her
breasts.

"Then let's skip the drink!" giggled Hilda, girlishly. "I bet you got
something BETTER for me to drink! C'mon, I got a room at the motel
across the street. Let's go."

She dangled the room key in front of Buddy's hungry eyes. As he
reached for it, she dropped it in between her gallon-sized jugs and
jumped up, starting for the door.

"Don't have to ask me twice," grumbled the rough-hewn man as he
followed that gorgeous twitching behind in the tight shorts.

Buddy would follow a pair of titties like this floozy had on her to
the ends of the earth. At the door of her motel room, Hilda struggled
with the key.

"Buddy, c'mon," she giggled. "Somebody might see us. Keep that in
your pants until we get inside!"

"That's just what it's lookin' to do, Soozy. Get inside," growled the
man.

"I got a couple of other places for it to go first," said the lawyer
in floozy's clothing as she opened the door.

She suggestively licked her lips...and then grabbed and lifted her
boobs in a most startling fashion.

"Can you guess where?"

"I got a pretty good idea!" roared Buddy, ripping off his jeans.

"Come here, Floozy Soozy," said the man. "I got something you wanna
put in your mouth."

"Yes, sir. Right away," said the district attorney.

She was used to calling the shots at work, but in this disguise a
little playful submission would help get her what she needed. She
kneeled down and looked lovingly up at his dick.

"Wait," said the man. "Let me see those motherfucking tits. Take that
damn shirt off."

"As you wish," giggled Hilda, being careful not to knock her glasses
or her wig off as she unveiled her gorgeous oversized upper body.

"Like my biggy titties?" she said with a girlish squeak.

"Hell, yes," said Buddy, his shaft rising before her very
eyes. "C'mere, baby, and take this monster down your fucking throat."

"Yzzss, zrr," she said, struggling to speak around its tumescent
length and breadth.

"I'm gonna bang your throat, Floozy!" he hollered roughly as he
bucked his hips. "Get ready!"

Hilda knew to smile and look him lovingly in the eyes to get him off
as quickly as possible. After all, the district attorney had a
specific job to do tonight.

"Aaaaahhh!" he moaned as he emptied his balls into the busty pickup's
mouth. "Oh, yeah. Yeah. Soozy, that was great. Wait here. I gotta
pee."

He slammed the bathroom door shut as Hilda held his spunk in her
mouth. She saw that the motel supplied drinking glasses covered with
plastic wrap--"sanitized for your
protection", probably. Perfect! Hilda spit the spunk into the glass
and replaced the plastic wrap. She had time to drop the sample into
her purse before Buddy reemerged, ready for more.

"Now!" he said, slamming his body down on the bed, his long limp cock
flailing in the breeze. "Get me hard again, Floozy, 'cause I want to
put Mister Happy here between those titties!"

Hilda managed to smile and bounce her monster boobs all the way
across the room towards the bed.

Hilda strode back and forth at the front of the courtroom. She had
done her best to camouflage the girth of her upper body with a bulky
suit jacket...but tits like Hilda Humper's can't stay a secret.

"Mister Benson," she began in a no-nonsense tone that was 180 degrees
from the girlish giggle she'd used the night before. "You are accused
of burglarizing the home of Miss Tonya Wilson and....well,
masturbating over her sleeping figure. Tell us how it happened."

Buddy Benson squirmed in the witness stand.

"I'm tellin' you, lady. I didn't do it. It wasn't me."

Hilda laughed.

"You're expecting us to believe that? Mister Benson, turn your
attention to the spectators in the courtroom. Miss Wilson? Would you
mind standing up?"

An astonishingly beautiful black woman, about five feet eight, with
lush curved hips, bronze skin, sparkling eyes, close-cropped
hair...and a full, heavy, bouncy bosom stood up.

"Now, Mister Benson," continued the tough and top-heavy D.A. "Tell us
what went through your mind just now when you saw the victim, Miss
Wilson."

"I thought she was a very nice-looking young lady," said Buddy.

"I must remind you. You're under oath," said Hilda. "What EXACTLY
went through your head?"

Buddy Benson looked anxiously at his defense attorney, who nodded
that he should answer the question.

"I thought, holy Christ, look at those big TIDDIES!" sighed Benson.

The courtroom erupted. The judge called for order.

"So what?" shrugged Buddy Benson. "Lots of guys like big tits."

"Indeed, lots of guys do," agreed the D.A. "I met a man last night
who did."

"Objection! Relevance?" said Benson's attorney.

"Miss Humper?" said the judge. "You'll have to show us what you mean
by this line of questioning."

"Oh, I intend to," said Hilda, unbuttoning her jacket and her blouse.

"This man I'm talking about was having a beer at Augie's Lounge on
66th last night," she said.

"Yeah?" said Benson. "I sometimes go there. Big deal."

"Good choice of words, Mister Benson," said Hilda as she neatly
folded her jacket and blouse and stood in front of the witness stand
in her industrial sized green bra. "He thought THESE were a very big
deal."

"They're very nice," sneered Buddy. "What's your point?"

"My point is this man couldn't take his eyes off my breasts. He came
to my motel and had me show them to him," she purred as she caressed
the outsides of her boobs. "Then he had me suck him off, and
tittiefuck him!"

"Miss Humper!" cautioned the judge. "The language, and the display!"

"All relevant, your Honor," said Hilda. "And all yours, tonight, if
this goes well!" she whispered.

"Mister Benson, the semen on Miss Wilson was analyzed by the lab. The
semen that I collected from YOU last night and spit into a drinking
glass was also analyzed. And if you'll take your eyes off my tits,
you'll see that this lab report, People's Exhibit A, proves that both
loads came from the same man! And we KNOW the second one came from
you, because you were that man I picked up last night at Augie's
Lounge!"

Hilda kept rubbing her boobs as the crowd murmured.

"Your Honor!" called Buddy's lawyer. "We don't know for certain that
the second sample came from my client! All we have is Miss Humper's
word!"

"I expected that," said Hilda, whipping around to face the
lawyer...her big titties following. "That's why I submit that a THIRD
sample is still right where Buddy Benson left it!"

She pulled the cups of her bra down.

"Right here, on my big titties! See all the dried cum?"

"That was YOU?" blurted out Buddy Benson. "In that wig and glasses?
Oh...shit. I guess I shouldn't have said that."

"No, you shouldn't have!" said the judge. "Not if you want this court
to believe you didn't commit the crime! Counsel for the defense?"

"In light of my client's stupid statement," mumbled Buddy's
lawyer. "And because I have every confidence that Miss Humper's lab
analysis proves just what she says it does....we're changing our plea
to guilty."

"What?" said Benson from the witness stand. "That's what I pay you
for? Hell, I don't know where I'm gonna get the money if I have to
give back what I stole!"

"Defendant will surrender to authorities," instructed the
judge. "Miss Humper, meet me in my chambers. Don't bother to put your
clothes back on."

"Well, all's well that ends well, huh, Hilda?" said Detective Horner
as he warmly shook her hand.

"Yeah, that worked okay, didn't it?" said Hilda.

"Miss Humper?" said a strange voice.

The detective and the district attorney turned to see the gorgeous
and stacked Tonya Wilson. Detective Horner adjusted his pants.

"I just want to thank you."

"Oh, you're welcome, Tonya," said Hilda, shaking her hand.

Lou Horner's eyes nearly popped out of his head at the way this
simple act set four pairs of huge tits jumping. Hilda's pale pink
pontoons and Tonya's dark dirigibles....God, if he could get alone
with both these women and let his big trouser snake slip and slide
its way all around the soft, supple and springy surfaces of their
tremendous racks, and poke its way around their big hard nipples.

"Lou!" snapped Hilda. "Are you with us?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, Hilda," said Lou. "Tell me again what you said?"

Hilda grinned.

"I said, wouldn't you like to take Miss Wilson out for dinner?"

"Why, that'd be nice," said Miss Wilson with a smile.

"Oh! Yeah," said Lou, turning his eyes from Hilda's cleavage to
Tonya's.

"What do you feel like fucking? Eating?" he said nervously.

"Oh, I don't know," said Tonya, with a sexy laugh.

"Let's just see what COMES UP!" she giggled as she reached for the
front of Lou's pants.

Hilda smiled at the departing couple, with Lou's hand boldly cupping
the young woman's high-riding ass cheek.

"Hilda!" whispered the judge, peeking into the courtroom. "I'm
waiting!"

"Okay, your Honor!" said Hilda in sweet singsong voice. "Ready to
show me what's under those robes?"


THE END